What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 15:43
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
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The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She was in good health!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
What is your secret to glowing skin?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I don,t even have a pension.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I was very sick at this time too.
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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Im still living with it.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
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Im dying but, im not bitter.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
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Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Was to survive, this bastard.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
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I will be 64.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
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I have no regrets .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
We were not on the streets..
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
What did i know ?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
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But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He resisted the act ,that day.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I was scared of men, in general
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Especially a lifetime of it.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Put me off passion for life!!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was 9 years of age.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Would this be the day?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He knew the spot.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But, we were locked up after school.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I could never make a relationship work though!
But ive been too sick for many years..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She loved him until the end.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She found it foreign!.
My life is so biszare .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She wouldn,t have been !
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I waited trembling.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We all went to grammer schools
And who doesn’t know suffering?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
One cannot live in the past .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
This is soul school!.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Comes on , in middle age.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I think the readers, may guess!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My family never makes their pension either.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I was seconnd youngest,
But it wasn’t much.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And i lived it daily.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
All the time i was locked up.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Ive learnt so much.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
So whats the point in blame.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
It was going to be , some day.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
So, i spoilt her more .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She married twice! .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I write beautiful poetry .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
When she asked me how she looked .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Who then, do I blame.?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I said to her
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !